Sitting here on my bed in the middle of the day eating cheese corn chips, MSG'd to the max and the large Toblerone half price atm (have consumed two large chunks). I don't want to go out but I don't want to stay in and I'm seriously considering making myself a large Negroni (which I only allow myself to have at the best of times after 5.30). I don't feel like exercising or going for my morning walk, both of which have got me through the last few Quarantine months. What has happened? I have spoken to others who feel the same and we have decided we are not dying of exhaustion or other dis-ease but just plain uncertainty because we no longer can make plans. Our normal control mechanisms can't operate in a pandemic. And we all like to be able to have some sort of control in our lives.
I didn't realise how much we rely on making plans, even small ones. It's a first world issue I know. I haven't really moved forward in my brain that we can move in and out of states and even if we can, I still don't feel safe about the new order of travelling on planes and trains. Going two hours away to Bowral seemed an enormous undertaking for a birthday dinner last weekend and yet last year I travelled all over Europe. I have broken the barrier of driving two hours away so I may venture out a bit more...or not.
The world seems so fragile at the moment, our freedom is in tatters. I must stop waking and falling asleep to the latest horrifying figures of deaths overseas. That probably doesn't do anything for my well being. I awake as tired as when I go to sleep. I worry that I have something wrong with me but everyone seems to be as exhausted as I am.
As humanity are we linked to everyone's fear as the uncertainty continues to escalate? We are all on hold, waiting anxiously with terrible music in the background that is on repeat and then we finally get answered and then we get cut off. That's how it feels to me. Does anyone else feel the same?
Italians are locked within their cities, unable to spend Xmas with loved ones outside their towns; I'm assuming it's the same throughout Europe. Snow is falling but the ski fields are closed. Over four hundred families in Italy lost a family member yesterday; in the US, over three thousand families are in the same position. It gives you a small insight into how it feels to live throughout a war - the unknowing must have been crippling. And yet, humans survive one way or another. Eventually our resilience comes to the fore and we learn to adapt. But no one loves the idea of being unable to plan a future.
I'm hoping my tiredness is my reaction to the world's pandemic forces at play and that if I stop looking at Worldometer statistics, eat corn chips laced with the lovely saltiness of MSG, have another piece of humungous Toblerone and maybe write these feelings out of me and into the computer, then I might pick up. I'll let you know but I can recommend the corn chips/chocolate combo.
This morning, I saw this web above my fountain; obviously a spider was diligent during the night and just got on with it - I am jealous of the spider.
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