Looking into a new life.

So, from embracing the self isolation with enthusiasm because that's what had to be done; I'm no longer the keen as I was. I want to get dressed up, put on the jewels and party. I have taken to going to a shopping centre where the rich haunt because they dress up and so I put on the jewellery and the boots and travel fifteen minutes to buy a couple of items just so I'm amongst the well dressed.

What to do next with my life? I was hoping to postpone that decision with another year of travel abroad but that's not going to happen again anytime soon. So, I am faced with what to do with the next phase of my life. I tried writing but that does not fill in a day. The process is exhausting; I have a new respect for writers, even painters who spend all day in front of an easel. Maybe I have wandered for too long and now I am restless and spoilt from having explored and delved into history and art in places I had read about and longed to go to and then actually went. I am so grateful. But today, after trying to fill in the spaces, I am so depressed I just want to crawl back into bed. Which is so not me.

So, what to do? I have child who sorts out her own life now; I have moved on as a full time mother; I, sadly, am no longer a wife. I have chosen for a while not to be in a relationship, so I can redefine myself and work on not disappearing like a camouflage expert within the confines of one. I am writing, painting and adding pottery to the mix in the next week but time is still not being filled. I am used to being so busy that I longed for a brief respite but this is a new reality that I, and a lot of other retired mothers/wives/parents/fathers etc are trying to navigate. To make our way into a new, unstructured world where we have time to reinvent ourselves again but which is, in itself, a scary prospect.

P.s. This is not a misery post, this is a sorting out of where to go next post when your life has taken a lot of unexpected turns and you're at a crossroad. Please don't feel sorry for me. I have had an extraordinary life with the good, the bad and the ugly. Now I'm sorting out what to keep and what to toss!